All I Want For My Birthday

Is Whatever Everyone Else Has.

Hi friends!

Before we jump in, I’ve been told by a few of you that this newsletter goes to your spam folder. If you reply to this email with “yes” (or any word), or add thetowoolist@substack.com to your contacts, this email should end up in your primary inbox, and not chillin’ in your sidepiece inbox with your LinkedIn notifications.

Hopefully you’re having a good week, and bless it all - we are almost done with January, which has felt more January of any other January in history. Honestly, how is it even still January?! BUT. We’re almost through it, and I have high hopes for February. February 1st is Lunar New Year, and I am officially using that as a 2022 New Year do-over.

Year of the Tiger! I happen to be a Tiger. Do you know your Chinese zodiac sign? Find out your sign here, and the alleged personality traits that accompany that sign. I live for these kind of things to tell me everything about myself: oh yes, of course I’m quick-witted and energetic. (Note: weaknesses of Tigers include being too talkative)

This week’s newsletter comes to you on the day of my 35th birthday.

Usually I’m not someone who focuses too much on their birthday. I’m fortunate to have friends that range in age from ~5-10 years older, and ~5 years younger (including my partner.) [Insert unfunny year of the cougar joke here 🙄]

So funny.

Anyway, because my friend group ranges in age, I never feel like any one birthday is a milestone, or uncharted territory. I know people thriving in their twenties and thirties, as well as in their forties and fifties.

And apparently, for Asian ladies, it’s all the same until our sixties. I cannot stress how profoundly accurate this cartoon is.

However. As I approach this birthday, I admittedly have this persistent feeling that I am somehow… falling behind. I feel the distinct pressure this year (more than any other year before) to be an adult (whatever that means), and feel like I’ve fallen somewhat short of that milestone.

Being an adult means… owning a house (Hmm..nope. Still lighting rent money on fire in the most expensive zip code in the US.)

Being an adult means… having kids (Nope. And my boss (also an MD and PhD) informed me the other day that a pregnancy at age 35 is called an advanced age pregnancy, and pregnancy at 40 is called…(I kid you not) … a geriatric pregnancy.

Being an adult means… having a certain title at work.

Because my birthday falls in January, it coincides with a lot of year end promotion news on LinkedIn. In the weeks leading up to the official start of my geriatric mid-life, I end up inundated with headlines of apparently everyone in my network being promoted to Director, Managing Director, Senior this, Chief that, and everyone is a Partner of some variety, or on some “Top 30 under 30” list.

Does anyone else feel this way??

When I start heading down the comparison rabbit hole… there is no stopping me.

Does anyone need a lift to FOMO-town? I GOT YOU.

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This week, since the subject is so near and dear to my heart - let’s explore the concept of career comparison, and discuss a few practical ways to manage it.

First of all, comparing ourselves to other is perfectly normal.

Comparing ourselves to other objectively is a normal part of human cognition. From an evolution perspective, we compared ourselves to others for reasons of safety and tribal and belonging. But then along came social media, which Psychology Today aptly calls: “a turbo-charged, precision instrument for social comparison unlike anything in human history.” Truer words have never been spoken. Social media allows for everyone we’ve ever known, no matter how peripherally, to hang around in our consciousness rent-free… and by the way, the version that we encounter on social media is skewed to the most accomplished, self-aggrandizing version of themselves. We post promotions on LinkedIn, not career changes, or periods of stagnating, or months of juggling personal life vs. professional demands.

Of course, there are negatives to comparison that we’ve all felt acutely, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy, depression or anxiety that we’re not as far ahead as we should be. But if we shift perspectives slightly, comparison can actually be a positive. It’s a signal that we (may) want to strive for a certain path or title, or that we’re focused on a a parameter where we feel we (may) want improvement. Comparing ourselves to those that are achieving something we believe we want (“upward” comparison) can in some cases provide inspiration, to show us paths that are possible… as long as we don’t accompany it with self-judgement that we’re not there yet. If you’re anything like me (who scores pretty dang high on the ‘Judgement’ end of the Myers-Briggs measure), this is really difficult to do.

So, let’s talk about a few ways to manage it, because I’d like to get this out of my system and get on with my birthday and eat some celebratory sugary carbohydrates 🥳!

How To Manage Comparison (in a Non Hippy-Dippy Way)

I think there’s a lot of platitudes on social media about “just being grateful” or reminding yourself that “someone out there wants your life”, but I can tell you that when I’m sizing myself up vs my peers or people I started college or my professional career with, or calculating the very real dollar amount of forgone income or equity - I want to tell that Twitter life coach/astrologer candidly, to f*ck themselves.

If you prescribe “self-care” as an antidote to the comparison trap, I will literally scream.

Zoom out in your perspective: Years

If you’re comparing yourself to ‘everyone who got a fancy promotion or title this year’, as a thought exercise, go forward and backward approximately 10 years. When we’re in the busiest part of our career, we tend to be myopic and short sighted, and time has a very different feel to it. If you were to zoom out a bit and evaluate your current life or situation as 20 year old you, or 50 year old you, what would you feel?

Backward: ~20 year old you would likely be impressed at what you’ve learned, the network you’ve built, the experiences you’ve had, the places you’ve been able to go, and the people and relationships you’ve amassed.

Forward: ~ 50 year old you is likely not going to remember the exact year you made a certain title. At all. And they are certainly not going to remember the year your peers and friends made a certain title. But 50 year old you will remember the thematic decisions you made over the course of your 20s and 30s: the lateral career decision you made to spend more time with your family, the career pivot you took to focus on a mission-driven job or industry.

Zoom out in your perspective: Days. (Or even minutes.)

Over the holidays I overheard my partner tell his high school best friend that he’s in his dream job. A week later (a mere 7 days!) a recruiter reached out to him (because the tech job market in the Bay Area is insane right now) with a similar role at a high-flying startup, and suddenly, the new job was the new dream job, and the risk of disappointment was now sky high if he didn’t advance in the interview process.

Similarly, a friend and former executive turned entrepreneur called me today saying she had been approached by a search fund asking if she’d head up their new venture. Even though we had just spoken yesterday about how excited she was about starting her own mission-driven company, this new opportunity showed up and suddenly she felt doubt.

Does the following situation resonate with you?

• At 12:54pm you are carrying on with your life, feeling some kind of moderately ok about your life and decisions to date.

• At 12:55pm you read about someone’s promotion, or someone else’s company getting funded, or are approached about a new shiny opportunity and suddenly you are consumed by self-doubt and feelings of dissatisfaction and inadequacy.

You don’t even need to zoom out years to shift your perspective - go back to 12:54pm you 😊

Big Rocks vs Small Pebbles

Do you know the analogy for prioritization about Big Rocks and Small Pebbles? Your ‘jar’ or capacity can only hold so much and you can either fill the jar with Big Rocks (meaningful priorities), or Small Pebbles/Sand - less important things that if you let accumulate, will take up all the space in the jar.

Even though from time to time, year to year, you will find yourself wondering if you’re on track, or if you’re doing enough, for the most part, are your “Big Rocks” defined on your terms?

The concept below from James Clear is so excellent and nuanced when it comes to comparison:

James Clear @JamesClear

To improve, compare little things. -marketing strategies -exercise technique -writing tactics To be miserable, compare big things. -career path -marriage -net worth Comparison is the thief of joy when applied broadly, but the teacher of skills when applied narrowly.

When you compare small actionable things, and then use that comparison, you can get better, improve morale and self-esteem. If you compare broadly to to the big, thematic things in life that take time to evolve and aren’t always fully in our control, you risk being unhappy and feeling anxious.

In my case, as I minorly freak out about a birthday and if I’m adult enough (renting, kids, titles). I need to be honest with myself about my “Big Rocks”, and when I examine those, I actually know that those are the choices I want to make: 1) I love where I live, and like the flexibility of renting for now. 2) I don’t feel ready for kids yet, and am grateful that I’ve been able to put my energy elsewhere up until now and 3) My title at work has a non-traditional trajectory but I love what I do.

Which is a good transition into the last thought: Affirm the choices you have made

This sounds a lot like “just be grateful!”, but it helps to really reflect on the choices (which are ultimately tradeoffs) we’ve made to date.

Some examples that might resonate with you:

• I’ve sacrificed specialty/seniority to have a breadth of experience

• I’ve taken lateral/sideways/even backwards moves as a learning experience

• I’ve traded income for mission or purpose

• I’ve traded brand for culture

• I’ve traded shiny and new for stability and consistency

And with that. Birthday treats! As always, thanks for reading, and if you have any career or mindset topics you want to chat about:

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Resources/Links

• Avoiding Comparison in The Work Place (Ramsey Solutions)

• A Deep Dive on Social Comparison (Positive Psychology)

• Cool Women Doing Cool Things: here’s a lady also born today: Dr. Leana Wen is an American physician, an op-ed columnist dedicated to improving public and community health. In her career, she’s served as health commissioner for Baltimore focusing on the opioid epidemic and maternal health and even served as the President of Planned Parenthood (met with some controversy, as she tried to expand the organization’s services offered beyond sexual and reproductive health to broader health services (e.g., mental health, hormone therapy)