August, the Sunday of the Year
August, the Sunday of the Year
Hello all!
Welp, here we are in the last week of the last month of summer… a summer that seems to have flown by much too quickly.
Ah August… the Sunday of the Year. The last bit of ‘downtime’ we’re all trying to hold onto, meanwhile recognizing there’s a bit of pall hanging over it all because time seems to move a little faster when Monday (slash Back to School September) is just around the corner.
While I’m sad the season flew by, I’m grateful to have had a summer with lovely weather, some days full of true downtime, the opportunity to travel and see friends… and of course, a season that brought us the Summer Olympics!
And yet, the end of said season, like a Sunday, brings with it an element of scaries: going back to a more restrictive routine, encroaching anxiety about things ramping up at work AND because this summer has gone by so quickly, a feeling of not being sure that I spent the downtime how I *should* have.
(You know how they say true happiness is being present in the moment? See how I ping-ponged immediately from dooming about the future week/season ahead, to dooming about the weekend/season past?)
And as I spend this last week of the summer reflecting on if I spent my summer:
i) productively enough
ii) enjoyably enough
iii) Instagramably enough
(Answers: ( i) kinda, ii) kinda, iii) nope!))
I’m noticing that this is actually a broader question a lot of us have been asking ourselves at this life stage. (“This life stage” being mid-adulthood). The questions that pop up in my version of the scaries are often around if I made the right decisions up til now, and if I’m making the right decisions on a go-forward basis.
Have I spent my LIFE productively enough, enjoyably enough or Instagrammably enough???
Perhaps because we’re all fortunate to exist in the highest echelon of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs - with the bulk of our day-to-day needs taken care of (food, shelter, security) - I think our over-active brains end up spending a more disproportionate amount of time reflecting, naval-gazing and comparison-scrolling than ever before to ask and re-ask the question: Am I on the right path?
Bear with me, gang - in this newsletter we’re speaking less about career tactics, and going a bit more woo-woo (pun only slightly intended). We’re going to explore fulfillment!
On tradeoffs and the pressure to feel fulfilled:
I think it’s safe to say, at “this life-stage”, we’ve all made a tradeoff or two. When we’re in our early 20’s, it’s easier to feel like there’s an endless road ahead of us. In our 30’s and 40’s, we’ve likely had to close a door or two to pursue other choices: Choosing to get married (or not). Choosing to start a family (or not) . Choosing to go faster (or slower) in our careers. Choosing to settle down in a particular city (and not a different one). And, once we’ve made those first choices, as time goes on, it’s harder make other new large choices or changes. Massively changing careers or moving to a new country or even city is harder - when we’re older we’re more embedded in our communities, we have more stakeholders to consider (aka babies and parents)… and hello, we have less physical strength and energy!
When we reflect on the tradeoffs and decisions we’ve made, we’re trying to discern if the choices and tradeoffs we’ve made actually feel fulfilling. And while we sort that out, we concurrently feel the pressure around us to feel fulfilled. Now we have families and communities, we have careers, we have some accumulated savings, WE HAVE AN AIR FRYER FOR GOD’S SAKE, aren’t these the essential building blocks of fulfillment?
Another contributor to the pressure to feel fulfilled is social media, and the tiny snapshots it shows us of everyone else’s externally projected lives:
“Living my dream travelling to all seven continents !”
“Fulfilling my life’s purpose as the mother of three!”
“Founded a company that is the culmination of my life’s work in social justice!”
Of course, all of this messaging is accompanied by perfectly filtered photos of children in matching outfits, tropical setting backgrounds, snazzy corporate headshots… It’s hard not to feel like we’re flipping through a glossy catalog of life. Or like a weird yearbook. (Actually, that’s a pretty apt analogy for LinkedIn, a caricature of a yearbook, where people continually self-report their contributions and add filters and embellishments instead of everyone’s depiction being democratized by terrible hair and fashion trends and frozen in a particular time.) Social media somehow simultaneously highlights the choices we’ve made right alongside frames of ‘the path not taken’, wreaking havoc on our brains and anxiety.
It’s no wonder exploring fulfillment can feel (at least for me), a tiny bit panicky.
On ruminating, and the ‘middle path’:
At times like Sunday Scaries, or August Scaries (at least for me), the culmination of these questions causes less reflecting, actually and really, more ruminating - specifically defined as repetitive, passive and kind of negative thoughts and questions:
“Am I making the right choices? Did I make the right choices? Are they all the right choices? Is it too late to make different choices?” Rinse, lather, repeat.
BTW, RIGHT and WRONG choices are not a thing, but our brain loves telling us this is a thing. Having two black and white options is a common cognitive distortion. Our brain thinks his will help soothe anxiety. Not so.
Often, when ruminating we’re quick to cut ourselves off, repeating the same negative thoughts, and presenting ourselves with ‘shoulds’, ‘buts’ and ‘can’ts’.
“I wish I had a more creative job”.. —> “But my current job is stable and secure. And I can’t pivot now, I don’t have the skills.”
Whereas, coaching (and definitely therapy) encourages us to allow our thoughts be more fully expressed. What’s there, underlying the rumination? What’s the next thing you want to explore? What else?
“I wish I had a more creative job”..—> “What do I value about creativity? What is the feeling that creativity gives me? Where do I have elements of creativity in my life already? Where can I seek more creativity?”
And often what else is the fact that multiple competing values CAN exist in our brains.
“I wish I had a more creative job” + “I value the stability of my current job, and yet I yearn for more creativity in my life.
There is an highly effective concept in a form of therapy, DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy), that involves walking “the middle path”, defined as finding the balance between two extremes to live a more satisfying and practical life (more on that in the Resources section of the newsletter). This also helps our overactive brains manage something called “emotion mind”, the engine behind all that rumination, and balance it out with our “rational minds”.
There’s lots to unpack here, which we’ll do in future newsletters, but for now, two things to try:
Let your thoughts play out beyond rumination (it may lead you to an insight about fulfillment - see below)
Hold space for two competing ideas or values.
On fulfillment
Ok. So we’ve managed the rumination (for now), and have cast our minds back to the present. While we will have a handful of days left in Summer and August, let’s let ourselves follow our thoughts a bit further, and ponder a few questions on fulfillment in a hopefully more productive and enjoyable way (maybe over one last slow summer morning coffee, or a final lingering sunset cocktail):
What do I want?
What lights me up?
What does the most empowered version of me want?
If what comes up for you is a whole host of ‘can’ts’, ‘pushback’, try to release the factual components of what comes up and try to hone in on the associated feelings:
“I want to abscond to Tahiti!” might not be imminently practical, but the feeling represent a need for rest, or adventure, or indulgence
“I want to quit my job in a fiery blaze!” might not be practical for your household finances, but the feeling might represent a need for acknowledgement at work, or reprioritization of things in your life so work doesn’t feel so prevalent.
Most likely, the answers that come up are multi-faceted and seemingly contradictory (see above: middle road!). After you’ve tried holding space for both contradictory thoughts, perhaps evaluate next where in between those poles you want to stand.
“I want a more exciting job, but I need financial stability.”
“I want to spend time with my kids, but I also need time for myself.”
“I value flexibility in my role, but I also want to grow my income.”
How do you determine “where you want to stand?” between two polarized objectives? Ask yourself:
“In what percentages do I want these things?”
It helps to assess how much you value certain things. While you may want both ‘stability’ and ‘adventure’, you may not want 100% of each!
“At what time do I want these things? How soon do I want these things”
It helps to zoom out. If these things are fully contradictory now, they may be less contradictory in a few years time when say, you have more savings, or your children are older.
Because most, if not all of our choices sit somewhere in the middle of somewhat opposing values (e.g. security and adventure, responsibility and flexibility)… it’s hard to ever feel 100% certain that all of our choices are 100% right, all the time.
Let’s lean right into the feelings of what we want/dream/yearn for (emotional brain), and then find the middle road with rational brain on what that could practically look like.
As for what I’m personally looking to for fulfillment? For now, continuing to write and grow this little publication and feel more connection with you all! To that end, I’d love to hear from you what would you like to see more of in future editions:
Resources
What is DBT? (Psychology Today)
Walking the Middle Path (DBT)
Rumination: A Cycle of Negative Thinkin
Work with Me
If you’re interested in working with me, and want more info… here’s what my clients currently look like:
Mid-Career to Executive Professionals (many in finance)
Mix of entrepreneurs and individuals in corporate settings
Navigating a career inflection point (advancement, growing their business, stepping back, changing jobs or industries)
People who are seeking a sounding board, tools to tap their inner voice, practical guidance on navigating challenges
Find out more here: Website