If Someone is Annoyed at You
If Someone is Annoyed at You
...You might be doing it right?
Hello friends!
Welcome to this month’s edition of the newsletter. We’re at the end of October (HOW), and for many of us, I know that means we’re in the thick of year-end processes (GAH). Reviews, results, reflections…
Whether you’re managing a team, or evaluating only yourself, this time of year tends to bring up some deep reflection, assessment and calibration.
In last month’s newsletter, I wrote about a somewhat uncomfortable topic: being wrong (eek). “Being wrong” in a corporate setting with multiple stakeholders, or when managing a team, often simply equates to people not agreeing with you. And when people don’t agree with you, it may cause them to not identify with you… or not respect you… or even *gulp* not like you.
Very uncomfortable to think about, especially as we move into review season.
Your company might implement formal, structured feedback processes (360s, data collection, assessments).. or less formal feedback processes… (a drink with your boss, an envelope of cash)…
But in many cases, feedback is tied to compensation/bonuses/potential salary adjustments. As such, this time of year invites not only self-reflection, but also feelings of measuring “worth”, which can definitely bring up some anxiety.
I know this firsthand (my own anxious ruminations, of course)… and secondhand. Last week, a direct report came to me fretting about their year end evaluation. This is someone going through a pretty transformative change with their team amidst the broader group and company evolving, with a persistent worry:
“I’ve had more challenging feedback and discontent on my team this year than in any year past. How is that going to reflect on my performance evaluation and progression?”
Welp. I too have been engaging in the same internal dialogue with myself over the course of the last few months. But when I heard this individual put this worry out there, it gave me some new insight (as third party perspective often does!):
First off, I didn’t find this particularly alarming even though this person felt very alarmed. Also:
I didn’t immediately equate mixed feedback to mean this person was any less competent. I have years’ worth of data points in support of their performance (that doesn’t get negated overnight)
I was proud of this person for weathering choppy waters
This person was shouldering more responsibility for more people (and in turn, complexity), because they had initially proved themselves to be GOOD at managing. The reward for good work is… more good work
My immediate instinct was actually:
OF COURSE this person is receiving mixed feedback. OF COURSE this person is finding it harder to manage. OF COURSE this person feels less “liked”.
Why? Three dynamics, which I describe in more detail below.
“Law of large numbers” - you simply have more stakeholders to manage.
“Hard(er) problems, with no clear answers”- as you progress, the challenges you’re encountering are new and complex.
“Whose agenda is this?” - with mo’ people + mo’ problems, you may lose sight of your own agenda which can sometimes be the only anchor of ‘doing the right thing’ when things are complex and subjective.
Law of large numbers
As you get more senior, your sphere of impact (the number of people you directly or directly impact) grows. This is true even in a life setting! Your partner, your kids, your parents, your friends - stakeholders galore!
When we’re earlier in our lives and careers, we can get by being solo agents. We have more flexibility, we often contribute to larger projects our outcomes, but we don’t often have overt accountability. Having stakeholders can be amazing, and rewarding.. but managing those stakeholders is hard. Managing a growing number of stakeholders is very hard. You often need a large group of people to row in the same direction, but everyone has different goals, capabilities, tolerances and attitudes, and you can’t always optimize around them all. In some cases, people want things to stay the same, some people want things to change, in most cases, people want a mix of both.
It’s easier to be “liked by everyone” when the n is small, there’s a higher probability that group of people wants the same thing. But as your sphere grows, that probability goes down dramatically. AND, solving for likeability by the most number of people may be at odds with strong leadership: Pleasing everyone is impossible, and trying to please everyone is actually ineffective. Hence the title of this post… If you’re:
decisive (aka you’re acting with conviction in one direction but not other) or if you’re
prioritizing (aka you’re giving more attention to one thing over another)…
…the people in camp ‘other’ might be annoyed at you - but as a leader, you’re probably doing it right.
Hard problems with no clear answers
In the last newsletter we talked about growth. I said, “if you’re always right, you’re probably not growing.” In this newsletter, the takeaway is more: “if everyone loves you… you’re also probably not growing”.
Growing in your career means either the landscape is changing, or you’re taking on more, or most often - a combination of the two. That often means you’re tasked with hard problems with no precedent to lean back on. Sometimes those problems are transformational to the business and take teams and years to align (strategic direction, new products/markets), and sometimes those problems are smaller or more individualized, but cumulatively do a lot to impact culture, attitude and morale (who to promote, how to resource when the organization is expanding). The status quo might be the least disruptive to people, but it’s no longer an option given how much is changing around you.
Most problems you face at this stage simply don’t have a clear-cut solution, therefore, a lot of decisions you make as you progress in your career are going to be ambiguous, require trade-offs, and not unanimously accepted.
Whose agenda is this?
In the very excellent “The Courage to be Disliked”, Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga use the framework of Alfred Adler's psychological theories to explore how one can achieve happiness and fulfillment. It touches heavily on the power of self-acceptance, and avoiding the constraints of seeking approval. YES! All that in a single book!
Ok, the book doesn’t solve everything, but it does highlight the problem many of us face - we orient our lives around seeking approval from others.
In doing so, we end up first satisfying the needs of others before even stopping to consider what our own agenda is. When we lose sight of what is truly '“in our court”, and focus on fixing things for others, or delivering on someone else’s agenda, we risk getting swept up in stress and anxiety over things we can’t control, and never end up feeling all that fulfilled. Your agenda/north star isn’t to please everyone. Instead, it might instead be to please only a handful of key stakeholders whose feedback actually matters. It might be to learn enough (or earn enough) to feel rewarded, yet balanced.
Our own agenda may sometimes be the only thing that anchors us and provides reassurance that we’re doing the right things - especially in context of the first two dynamics I mentioned.
So. In a season where we’re self-reflecting, and soliciting feedback from the masses, it might help to simply start with the assumption that… you can’t possibly get it right for everyone.
Too many people (large numbers)
Imperfect, messy solutions (to hard, unprecedented problems)
With that in mind, all you can do is know for yourself that you’re trying your best, and prioritize your agenda.
In the spirit of reflection and feedback - I want to make sure I’m delivering tangible value to you, readers! Tell me (either reply to this email, or hit the button below) what career challenges or questions you have, and I can attempt to tackle (anonymously) in future editions!
Resources
“The Courage to be Disliked” (Amazon)
In case it’s helpful for your own self-reviews, or general review processes - here are some potentially helpful older posts here:
In which we take a good, hard look at our strengths and weaknesses. Spoiler: there can be too much of a “good thing”.
Short answer: NO. When you know what you are good at and what you like to do, what should you do with everything else? Delegate, descope, upskill?
Surprise, you’re the manager now! We unpack the initial transition from an individual contributor to a manager
If you found this and other posts helpful, I’d love if you’d share the “To-Woo” List!