Let's make networking less awkward
Let's make networking less awkward
You schmooze, you lose
Hi there!
I started thinking about this week’s topic (networking) as positive vaccination progress continues to be made in the US. Things are slowly reopening, which means soon we’ll return to in-person interactions for personal and professional reasons. That’s generally great news for the purposes of connecting with family and friends, but after more than a year of meetings and work from the comfort of home (and the comfort of athleisure wear at least some of the time), it seems slightly anxiety-inducing to get back into the real world - especially for networking purposes.
Many of my friends and family (and you readers) are in Canada, where vaccination programs certainly aren’t progressing as quickly, and I sympathize with the frustration. I’ve always known that universal healthcare isn’t necessarily a perfect solution - though as a Canadian citizen, have benefited firsthand from easy, low-cost access and peace of mind and therefore favoured it as a model of care delivery. At its worse, the US system is fragmented, complex and expensive, but at its best can foster amazing innovation and speed to market. Obviously there’s no right answer here, nor is this necessarily the place you want to read about takes on healthcare/policy but I did want to be mindful of my position, and that I have the privilege of potentially getting to go out networking again, when that’s not the case all around.
Ok. Confessional over.
Musings
Just kidding. One more confession:
I generally hate networking.
That confession surprises some, since I have a job that interfaces with people (both internal and external stakeholders) all the time, and is predicated on building relationships. My friends would probably describe me as an extrovert, but ugh.cringe.shudder, the idea of interjecting myself into a situation or conversation where I need to “sell myself” is basically my worst nightmare.
Perhaps my aversion to networking was caused by a series of overwhelming experiences at conferences. I’ve been to some of the larger industry conferences for asset based lending, fintech and private capital, with thousands of attendees running around spraying around business cards.. and it has been traumatizing. In between information sessions, there are time blocks for speed networking (like adult recess), and sometimes (inexplicably), a quasi-famous hip hop star or rock band will play a concert to a lukewarm crowd. (Sorry, Flo Rida). It’s all very over the top and not very enjoyable, and in most of those scenarios, I literally count down the minutes until I can retreat to my hotel room.
Unfortunately, in some ways, networking is unavoidable. As an early grad you need to pitch yourself for first jobs. In mid-career building, you need to start relationships that help you advance. In senior career stages - even in the most “introverted” of disciplines (e.g. design, writing etc.) - in order to grow your business, you need to build a network.
I historically viewed networking as a chore and a means to an end. In order to get something, I needed to network. But my biggest revelation on networking came to me by shifting the order of operations:
Regardless of if you’re an extrovert or introvert, networking, when it’s ‘transactional’ feels icky. You have to rush to prove your value to someone and then ask for something in short order.
Networking should not be about the end goal of getting something. Networking is about forming a connection whereby:
You put positive energy out in the universe (surprise! I snuck some hippie dippiness in here)
You learn about someone, see how your interests intersect, and evaluate how you can help
A connection naturally forms that may turn into any multitude of things down the road… (or it’ll turn into nothing! But I’m willing to bet that the interaction you have in the meantime will feel considerably more natural and less icky.)
Conversations
A few humble thoughts/learnings below from me.
Take inventory of what you offer
I plan to write more on this in coming weeks, but this is a broader theme I want to explore. Most of us work in rewarding, yet demanding careers that ask a lot of us. In my opinion, we focus disproportionately on what we need to improve on, and don’t often reflect on our strengths as much as we should. Reminding ourselves of what we’re good at, and how we can help others is such a valuable exercise.
It can feel unnatural to toot your own horn, so imagine your best friend has just met a perfect business contact for you and is describing you in 2-3 bullet points. Chances are, they’d describe some personal things about you, and some professional things about you in a favourable manner. They’d likely describe a relatable anecdote + what you do in a non-schmoozy way + why they should meet you. Write these down and repeat them.
“My friend is an ex-banker, and now is a jack of all trades at a small private equity fund. She’s great at navigating ambiguity. ”
“She’s an outspoken East Coaster, who manages a number of projects for a tech company. She’s super organized and impactful.”
“He’s an accomplished software engineer and has an awesome sense of humour. He’s a great manager for technical teams.”
Remind yourself of these little affirmations before you go into a networking situation. You might not ever say them verbatim in a networking situation, but knowing what you bring to the table helps you feel prepared and confident to enter into new conversations.
The most useful question
“How can I be helpful?”
I used to think that networking was about pitching myself, (or my business, or fund, or investment product) and telling someone why those things were awesome enough to get their attention or help. For my personality, it felt wildly unnatural to launch into a two-minute ramble about myself early in a conversation and then continue to sell myself, and I dreaded it. But by asking the super simple question of “How can I be helpful to you?”, the conversation is turned around completely. It lets the other person share what’s top of mind for them. It’s natural to worry that we can’t actually be helpful, especially if the other person is more experienced or senior than us. And yes, one form of ‘helping’ is in fact the expertise to help them out. But there are many forms of helping that don’t require seniority that you might be able to provide:
You can connect them with a contact/connection that does have the expertise that you lack
You can ask them a curious (even naïve!) question that helps them re-frame the question - your lack of knowledge can be an asset!
At the very least, you can listen and commiserate with the challenge (empathy is valuable)
Importantly, this question almost always fosters reciprocity. In turn, others will ask you how they can be helpful to you in the most natural way possible, without you needing to push an agenda on others.
Find your people, or make your people
It’s an unfortunate reality that networking events tend to cater to the median interests of the audience, and in many industries, leadership, decision makers and the majority of attendees tend to be of a similar age, race and gender. If you do not conform to that majority, some of the discomfort of networking comes from not having innate shared extracurricular interests with everyone else (this is why inclusion really matters). For example, some strangers find it easy to form instant bonds discussing things like sports, but that certainly isn’t the case for everyone.
Try to seek out nichier events that resonate with you. For example, I attended a Virtual Women in Private Equity event last month, and panelists spoke about things I actively care about. They spoke openly about how they hoped post-pandemic work life balance would accommodate working mothers. Leaders of pension plans and endowments talked about how to underwrite emerging fund managers from underrepresented groups. It was easier to start casual conversations later with other attendees because these event’s core messages resonated with us all and we had common ground.
It’s likely still going to be important to attend the broader industry events, but when you’re there, find your people. As part of getting to know new people, don’t hesitate to ask questions about the extracurricular interests that you might care about (family, current social justice issues, celebrity gossip!). You don’t need to connect with hundreds of people to build a quality network, you need to form meaningful connections with a small set of people that like and trust you. (This sounds like another dating analogy, per my last newsletter on breaking up with someone as an analogy for quitting a job. Lots more where that came from.)
Networking doesn’t need to be an arena sport
Ok, if multi-day conferences are a big part of your job, then maybe networking occasionally does need to be an arena sport. But in my experience, it’s hard to form brand new connections in that format (recall: adult recess). Instead, find people that like to do the things that you like to do, or create opportunities around the activities that you like to do.
Meeting one of the best connections happened this way. She was introduced as a business acquaintance, who became a terrific friend, and a year later ultimately connected me to my current job. At the time we met, she was swinging through New York with a jam packed schedule and the only time she had to meet was either after work at a group happy hour, or early in the morning. I went out on a limb and proposed a morning workout class - I’m a morning person, enjoy fitness and thought it’d be way easier to get to know someone chatting after the class than at a large group gathering in a loud bar. It was efficient and fun and our joint commiseration in the class bonded us in a unique way.
Literally no one likes awkwardly balancing a conference handbook and a cup of bad coffee and a notebook in a convention center. But people do like going for a walk or working out before the conference, grabbing lunch offsite, or attending an interesting dinner afterwards. At least to start, find little ways to connect with people doing what feels comfortable to you.
As with anything difficult/unnatural, make it a consistent practice
When I moved to San Francisco from New York and was looking to meet new friends and professional contacts, I signed up for a social platform called Lunchclub, which bills itself as an “AI superconnector”. Tech jargon aside, all I knew was it was founded by a Canadian, and I needed new pals. The format seemed simple enough: I chose topics and ‘tags’ that were interesting to me, and I’d be instantly matched with people for short 1:1 video calls. I initially thought it might be difficult to launch into a cold conversation with a stranger, but the app provides you a list of things you have in common with the other person in advance of your conversation (e.g., healthcare, business development, dinner parties), which alleviates the pressure of having to bring them up unnaturally.
I think the pandemic has helped dismantle the awkwardness of video chatting, making it easier to form real connections over an app, and Lunchclub ended up being a really valuable resource for connecting with new people. Yes, I’ve met other healthcare professionals, other investors and other investor relations professionals, but I’ve never asked for any work-related favours.
What have I gotten out of it?
Friends! (In particular, a friend who almost became a landlord, when she ended up moving away from San Francisco and needed to sublet her apartment)
A detailed slide deck on reasons not to invest in real estate, that I found pretty interesting and counter to everything I had thought of to date
A great list of hidden gems in SF to check out after COVID (including a karaoke piano bar, and an incredible Indian restaurant in Berkeley)
Most importantly, a consistent practice of having conversations with strangers.
Networking sometimes feels like a workout. You know it’s good for you, everyone talks about the benefits, and yet when it comes time to do it, you find a hundred ways to make yourself busy (or fake a crippling emergency) to get out of it. The research isn’t wrong, networking (like cardiovascular activity) is great for you. And like exercise, consistency is more important than intensity. I sign up for 1 Lunchclub session a week, (though you can certainly sign up for more or less). The 30 minutes or so per week is relatively low effort and builds the muscle of starting conversations with complete strangers
Borrow other people’s extroversion
Listen up introverts. There is a breed of person out there that thrives on meeting new people. These people line up multiple lunches and dinners to squeeze in meeting as new people as possible. Activities that would likely overwhelm you or I, energizes these amazing creatures. I’m fortunate to call one of these remarkable humans a close friend (and formerly, a colleague) and she is determined to foster extroversion in me and make me more social than I would otherwise be.
You don’t need to befriend hundreds of extroverts, but if you hit it off with one, invest time with them. Push yourself out of your comfort zone and stay for one more drink or coffee at an event they invite you to. Chances are, this person attracts other similar extroverted people who are interesting, happy to keep the conversation going, and happy to welcome people into their network and make connections.
Resources
If you’re interested in checking out Lunchclub, you can sign up here
Adam Grant (organizational psychologist and Wharton’s top-rated professor for 7 straight years ) has a great podcast episode “Networking for People Who Hate Networking”
Cool ladies doing cool things: The innovation is brilliant, simple and equitable. AND SHE’S IN HIGH SCHOOL. “This High Schooler Invented Color-Changing Sutures to Detect Infection”
Tell me about you
How do you feel about networking? Is it something that feels natural and exciting? Or do you view it as a necessary evil of work and career development?
What’s one interesting or long lasting connection you’ve fortuitously stumbled into?
Thanks for the introduction to Lunchclub! I recently moved to Seattle and have been looking around for an app that would help me meet new people and build my network :)