What Happens When Your Excuses Go Away
What Happens When Your Excuses Go Away
(Answer: Panic)
Hi all,
SURPRISE…..!!!
I’m back in your inboxes with the “To-Woo” List!
As a refresher, this little ditty is meant to show up in your inbox on occasion with some career insights, musings and inspiration.
When I launched this newsletter back in 2021, this is how I described it:
What is The “To-Woo” List?
I believe our careers should feel rewarding and enjoyable, and not a just a means to an end. As twist on a monotonous “to-do” list; the “to-woo” list is comprised of things we want to chase and strive for.
Tactically, it’s a weekly summary of musings, conversations and advice on career issues big and small that I have come across in my experience, and from my network (professional and personal).
Oh, and I’m the “Woo”! Janice Woo, to be precise. I’m a finance professional who has had the pleasure of working at many different jobs, ranging from corporate to startup, in investment banking, capital markets, venture capital and private equity. I’ve given a lot of thought to career changes, and I have had the great fortune of advising leaders, teams and friends on their career challenges.
And, now we’re here in 2024 after a bit of a break.
Welp, I’m still a reformed Type-A finance professional, I still liberally use GIFs (see Archive here), and I’m still energized by conversations around career fulfillment.
But! A few things look different around here:
I’m showing up in your inbox monthly instead of weekly
In addition to posting this newsletter again, I’m continuing to expand my curiosity around career fulfillment in a few different ways:
I recently completed my professional coach training with CTI (the Co-Active Training Institute), more on this at the end of the newsletter
I hired my own coach earlier this year - which largely amplifies the insights, musings and resources I’m able to provide merely on my lonesome
While I’m technically still the “Woo” in the “To-Woo” List, legally, I’m a McIntosh now (shoutout to husband Shane!)
And… taking both the training + new moniker for a test drive… I’ve launched http://www.janicewoomcintosh.com - more on that at the end of this post!
Musings
Let’s get right (back) into it! First things first - WTH? (Why the hiatus?).. after all, I loved writing this newsletter and getting a chance to connect with so many of you on the universal challenges and questions of how we relate to work.
The headline answer is that in 2022, I started a new role at a global alternative asset manager undergoing a period of mega-change and growth. I’m responsible for managing a large team (that has more than doubled since I’ve joined). It’s been demanding and challenging, and also a huge personal growth experience. I suppose I too have been undergoing mega-change and growth!
That headline further breaks down into a number of underlying sub headlines:
“I’ve started traveling all the time.”
“I feel swamped and exhausted most days.”
“The new company requires disclosure of outside business activities and other compliance requirements to do anything outside the day job.”
“I definitely can’t explore coaching or content on the side, I’m in the US on a single employer Visa.”
All of these circumstances were objectively true statements. AND, being able to claim these things felt.. safe. Being the object of these circumstances provided me some comfort. It kept me in certain identities and paradigms in which I felt safe and known - martyr, worker bee, CANADIAN (lol).
But then… some of these circumstances started to change.
I got my green card (add that to the ‘life updates’ list above).
I was given outside business approval at work to complete my coaching course.
Why don’t I feel this way?
As some of these circumstances fell away, instead of feeling excited… I instead started to feel an overwhelming sense of panic. This was surprising to me - shouldn’t I be rejoicing in the fact that the list of roadblocks to re-engaging in something that brought me joy was dwindling? I mulled on this feeling for a half-second, before getting swept back into the familiar busyness/travel routine and pushing it out of my head.
BUT THEN. I started to sink into a great book, “101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think” (Ambitious title, I know), and last week, I read a paragraph that reached out and punched me square in the face:
“The pattern of unnecessarily creating crises in your life is actually an avoidance technique. It distracts you from actually having to be vulnerable or held accountable for whatever it is you’re afraid of.”
‘Unnecessarily creating crises’ - yep, that’s me stating over and over again how I simultaneously didn’t have any time, and yet responding to emails as soon as I woke up at 6am, kicking off a boomerang effect that (as you all know) lasts all day.
“Avoiding being ‘Vulnerable or held accountable’” - hm. Yes. Also possibly me. Embarking on these side endeavours, and then communicating about it, would mean that at some point I might have to take action on them.. and what if I was bad at them?
I realized the subheadlines above weren’t merely reasons, they were excuses.
(To clarify, I’m not declaring that "not having time” is an excuse. It can be a legitimate reason. Many people really do not have time. We all face real crises and real challenging circumstances all the time. Many people don’t have time for things they love because they have enormous demands from children, family, dependents, society… you name it. The definition is highly, highly subjective, and personal. What may be a reason to one person, may be an excuse to someone else. An excuse isn’t necessarily measured by objective justifiability. A lot of the time.. excuses are something only you alone are aware of.)
So, how did I realize ‘not having time’ was an excuse for me personally? SEE BELOW GENTLE READERS (Sorry, I’ve just finished Season 3 of Bridgerton, and it’s a vibe.)
Conversations
In Co-Active Coaching training, we explore the concepts of resonance vs dissonance.
Something that’s resonant lights you right up, you burn for it (yep. Another Bridgerton reference).
Something that’s dissonant… just doesn’t sit well with you.
The work of coaching aims to move clients closer to resonance in any form, and to explore whether something is resonant or dissonant, coaches often ask clients to assess where it’s felt, or embodied.
So, in my example - while many of the “subheadlines” were factually true, saying them out loud felt.. SUPER-BLAH. Highly dissonant.
Consider that when evaluating your list around a certain challenge. Where do the items on your list fall, along the spectrum of:
Excuse <—> Reason <—> Choice
Excuse: Energy draining. Tentative. Uncomfortable. Maybe feels like a little lie to yourself.*
Reason: Generally factual. Neutral.
Choice: Empowered. Thoughtful. Lit up,
So, in my example:
Excuse: “I can’t focus on coaching. I’m buried under work and my time isn’t my own.” (I said this a lot, and I felt increasingly blah everytime)
Reason: “I work x hours per weekday, and some weekends, which doesn’t leave a lot of hours to focus on coaching.” (Neutral)
Choice: “I’m choosing to deprioritize coaching right now to get a handle on work, and I’ll reassess down the road once I have my feet under me.” (Same fact, but considerably less blah. I have agency, which in turn feels empowering)
(*On the topic of how excuses feel like a little lie to yourself, I invite you to go back to this newsletter I wrote on confidence - basically the opposite - keeping promises to yourself!)
In future newsletters we can explore where excuses often come from (doubt, shame, guilt… your worst inner critic) to help us manage and overcome them.. but for now - notice that in the list above, nothing factually is different between the reason, excuse or choice. It’s a lot more about perspective than anything else. For now, we’re not beating ourselves up about excuses and how to banish them to be more productive, we’re simply noticing how they can make us feel.
SO. Some questions to leave you with:
What “subheadlines” are currently leaving you feeling disempowered and stuck?
What perspective shift would move you one tiny step closer to being Bridgerton-level burned up?
And, if you’re up for it - is there a small change (in action or perspective) that could unstick you a tiny bit?
For me in my example, it’s making the empowered choice to restart the newsletter again after some initial time to get my feet under me at work. It’s also the empowered choice to move my commitment from weekly to monthly posting. This was in response to a great suggestion from my own coach who detected and named my excuse making right away. Some excuses are easily detectable by people who are attuned to it, and it can be easier to hear others’ excuses than the ones we tell ourselves!
All that to say…
Resources
Excuses aren’t great for your brain (duh, feeling SUPER-BLAH is no one’s first choice): Excuses and How the Impact Your Mental Health
Linking that book again (but prepare for some gut punches): “101 Essays to Change the Way You Think” by Brianna Wiest, also please check out her book “The Pivot Year”… daily mind explosions
If in fact, you do want some no-nonsense motivational work to shake you out of your excuses, this is probably your guy
If this newsletter no longer resonates with you in the way that it used to, feel free to unsubscribe.
If you’re continuing to finding value in this, please feel free to share…
… AND/OR…
Work with Me
Explore working with me in a coaching capacity (!!!) I have room for a handful of client engagements in the summer and fall. Learn more about me on my aforementioned website, connect with me for an initial consultation/sample session, or message me below.