From Hateful... to Grateful?
Hello all!
Before we get into it, you should know that the original title of this post was “Attitude of Gratitude”…
…but then you should also know that I promptly cringed at how cheesy that sounded. And if I’m honest, while on a personal level, yes, of course I feel all kinds of gratitude for so many things in life… the political climate right now (and news of completely unhinged nominations to v. important government roles) doesn’t exactly leave me radiating joy on a daily basis.
BUT. ‘Tis the season!
Even though these movies have been infiltrating my feed since Halloween, I guess the holiday season officially starts now with American Thanksgiving tomorrow. (Reminder: I am Canadian, my true Thanksgiving will always be in October, and I will never understand marshmallows + sweet potatoes, you crazy Americans…)
So, in keeping with the season, and because I loves me a theme… in this month’s newsletter, we’re going to be dishing up a big ol’ serving of gratitude.
In order to avoid the aforementioned “attitude of gratitude” cliché - we are NOT doing the newsletter equivalent of “going around the table and saying what we’re grateful for”. I thought instead, we’d chat about things that were did not immediately inspire a feeling of.. GEE, THANKS SO MUCH FOR THIS.
Things that may have originally seemed a bit challenging or uncomfortable.. and then, over time, with a bit of distance and reflection, perhaps some tiny little green shoots of gratitude, appreciation or even just new perspectives began to emerge.
For me, my coaching clients, followers of the “To-Woo” List Instagram account, a few examples came to light - things that yes, initially felt slightly more in the hateful camp than the grateful one… but reflecting back, and now being able to see some situations with more perspective, these developments turned out to be well… not so bad… and a bit of a valuable learning experience.
“Not too bad”. That is the bar this year, folks.
Important caveat before we jump into a few examples: I don’t intend for this newsletter to be inauthentically positive - that is, slapping on a glossy veneer of faux optimism over challenging experiences.
Actually, being blindly upbeat (you know, toxically positive) ends up invalidating negative emotions and difficult experiences which ends up being more harmful to our mental health1.
What I want to talk about here, is instead the act of acknowledging the full spectrum of complex thoughts that we feel in response to career shifts.
If we can be present, we can allow our brains to experience both unpleasant emotions, while also holding space for learnings, or less unpleasant thoughts that bubble up. And when we do that, there’s room for reflection and gratitude in some form to emerge. We’re meant to see the light (joy), but also the dark (heaviness, shock, discomfort), and all the gray in between… things like ‘neutrality’, ‘relief’ or even ‘amusement’.
Alright! Caveats communicated! Now onto some real life examples!
I asked myself, my clients, and the general “To-Woo” List community :
“What’s one surprising thing you’re grateful you experienced at work this year?”
And here’s what came back (aggregated, anonymized and paraphrased!):
“Working with people I don’t intrinsically feel similar to.
I could not be more different from my boss/colleagues/manager… and that can be jarring and occasionally infuriating. But I’m slowly trying to understand this person/these people, and that has actually gone pretty far to diffuse my annoyance. I remind myself, this person is simply trying their best, in alignment with their values, that might not be the same as mine, but that’s not so different from what I’m trying to do.”
It is a dream to work on a team and at a company full of people similar to you, with aligned values and styles. But chances are, as you progress in your career, as teams and companies grow and evolve, it’s close to impossible to only interact with people you love. Working with people different to you, opposite to you, or even immensely off-putting to you might end up being an everyday reality.
Finding a shred of common ground is a good start. “We’re all trying our best” is a a helpful reminder refrain - it’s safe to assume we’re all working in service of our financial goals, identities, families…whatever that may look like.
Harder yet, is finding admiration for someone’s polar opposite trait. Sometimes the traits that are the most off putting to us are the the ones that we maybe secretly wish we had more of. “Man, this person is unapologetically aggressive or self-serving… I prefer to lead by example and be behind the scenes… but there’s something intriguing about championing for oneself, and putting oneself in the spotlight.”
And hey, if you can’t dredge up the strength to be fully empathetic to people unlike you, perhaps you can at least muster up neutrality: “Welp. At least I’m NOT this person, operating in this way…”.
“Being completely overwhelmed.
I have never been as busy as I have this year. At first I just felt burnt out, until I reached a true breaking point and accepted the fact that I could not physically do it all, and needed to force rank everything on my plate.”
Listen, no one is grateful for burnout, or being totally overwhelmed. I’ve heard countless examples of people’s scope expanding at work this year, while their teams shrink, which initially leads to a lot of overwhelm, wondering how on earth they’ll be able to manage it all. A major revelation happens when we realize it’s a bit of a zero-sum game - if we have 1 unit of capacity, and 2 full lists of jobs and responsibilities - instead of trying to double our capacity (very close to impossible), we can instead descope the list of responsibilities.
This of course, requires clear communication and boundaries (see July’s newsletter on those!) but the being forced to prioritize gives us permission to not to do it all, which comes with a unique sense of relief.
“Getting layered at work.
At first it really bothered me and I felt inadequate, but having another boss has actually been valuable. I’ve observed a style of leadership different from my former manager’s, I have someone additional who champions for me, and I’m a bit shielded from the pressure of more senior ranks.”
The initial reaction to getting layered is usually one of frustration, or being offended. Suddenly, a babysitter has been inserted above you, obscuring your initially unobscured career track!
It also feels like a blatant rejection - you’re being told someone with different experience or attributes is more qualified than you, and potentially about to start telling you what to do. It’s very hard to not take these developments as a personal affront, when in reality, most of the time, decisions to layer are much more strategic than personal and related to the direction of the company vs. a bottoms-up adjudication of you. It doesn’t always work out as positively as this example above… but sometimes it can mean the chance to try on a different mentor or role model on for size! A layer of protection! An extra sounding board!
We’ll dive in more to this concept of layering in a future newsletter in the new year - when it can work well and when it doesn’t!
“Managing!
I’m managing a (growing) team this year, which I initially dreaded. I was an individual contributor for a number of years, and management felt like a chore. And… it has been… occasionally! But along with the challenges it comes with, there is an unparalleled feeling of fulfillment in coaching and developing others (especially when they’re great), and doing right by my team.”
Managing has its pain points for sure, and of course, mo’ complexity = mo problems (we unpacked this in last month’s newsletter). But the rewards of it can (should) come in the form of giving yourself meaningful leverage, and when you as manager can affect people’s outcomes and progressions for the better, it can come with a sense of fulfillment that is even more expansive than your own individual wins!
“Not getting promoted.
So - I’m not being promoted this year, and I’m not getting a raise. Of course that initially felt frustrating, but now I feel largely fine with it. A promotion would have created stress, and an element of needing to prove myself at the new level. Also, while I’ve always aimed in the past to maximize pay (perhaps blindly), there’s something comforting and sustainable about being at this level, I feel like I can do it for a long time.”
It’s human nature to continually expect year over year growth. Perhaps because we start off life with exponential ascension through grade school, then middle school, high school, and college. We’re conditioned early on to expect progression every year… and when we enter the workforce, we’re never conditioned otherwise. We just keep pursuing the next rung on the corporate ladder, and many of us don’t really pause for self reflection - we simply assume we want upward progression, and equate success with upward progression. Of course, the sky isn’t always the limit, and eventually we all must settle into some kind of upper limit or asymptote - we don’t all become the CEO of a company, after all!
As this reflection touches on, sometimes progression isn’t always better - more isn’t always more. What if the measure of success wasn’t only an increasingly higher title or increasingly more pay? What if sustainability, or simply ‘enough’ was the goal?
“An unplanned break.
I’m currently taking a career break, and it hasn’t exactly been the optimal time for it. It’s been stressful at times, and of course there are feelings of wondering when I’ll jump back in and what it’ll look like. But I’ve had time to pick up brand new hobbies (something I haven’t even thought about since my TEENS), and volunteer for my kid’s midday school activities… I logically know I’ll work again, though I can’t control when, but when I do, it’ll be largely the same as when I left it, but I’m getting a chance to do some unprecedented stuff in my personal life and really think about what I want to do next.”
Career breaks can be intentional, but they can also come as a surprise, or be an added source of stress when they are more unplanned, or go on for longer than planned. But realistically, given where many of us are in our career arcs, chances are high we’ll work again, in a somewhat similar capacity than when we took a break, (i.e. we’re likely not imminently being made redundant by AI).
It might be challenging to sit with the discomfort of the unknown, but channeling that time into personal endeavors is within our control, and ends up likely being more memorable and rewarding than having spent that same amount of time work.
This lovely Medium article touches on the complexity of unplanned breaks. Some nuggets of wisdom:
You can do everything right in a role and still end up in an unplanned break
Time off is about not only learning, but also unlearning a lot of what we take to be norms, expectations and cadence when we’ve been in the corporate world for a long time
And to wrap up, I leave you with a few more gratitude quick hits that try to lean more practical than trite (yes, I’m going to try to avoid… gratitude platitudes!) 😉😌
Try tying gratitude to an already ingrained habit. Ain’t nobody got time to start a gratitude journal for 10 min each morning or night, but perhaps while you’re brushing your teeth, or in the shower - see if something (or someone!) comes to mind that you’re happy to have in your life
Gratitude for someone can sometimes be easier to call to mind than gratitude for something
Everything isn’t awesome all the time, but small, specific things can be kind of awesome. I’ve found that that type of gratitude is both easier to come up with, and ends up feeling deeper and more resonant than trying to drum up vague auras of #grateful/#blessed. While getting ready for work when its pitch dark out isn’t broadly all that awesome, small things like hot coffee and a few moments of quiet before everyone else is up, hearing an anachronistic pop song (Ricky Martin) in an Uber on the way to work, or a delightfully designed new water bottle (Owala, I don’t know why I enjoy this so much, but it has both a drinking and sipping/straw functionality!!) have brought my mornings some tiny bits of joy lately
Turns out, accepting gratitude also creates some mental health warm fuzzies. So, even you don’t feel like you’re in a great place to project out a ton of gratitude right now… Please accept gratitude! My gratitude! For reading these little newsletters, for opening up these emails and taking a few minutes to zoom out of your daily work and life goings-on to jump down a little rabbit hole with me.
Happy holidays, dear readers!
Resources
“How to Make a Gratitude Practice That Doesn’t Feel Like Toxic Positivity” (Wondermind)
“Gratitude is Really Good For You, Here’s What the Science Says” (NY Times)
“A Hater’s Guide to Gratitude” (“A Little Thing that Helps” Substack)
Carolyn Rubenstein, PhD, Clinical Psychologist https://carolynrubenstein.com/